I envy people with happy family. That happiness, it's almost transparent for me now. I never seen any of it since I was a kid. Yes, there are times that things going good.

But it doesn't last long. Every single month, it always happens. Till now, it still happens.

How I always wish I would have a proper family.

Now, when things happened I'm to be blamed. And it will always be me.

Help wasn't being appreciated. No one listens to me as if I'm transparent. I'm the bad guy now. And, my bad temper is back.

Facing cell group members or the church, it's almost fake as if I'm happy. But inside, nothing.

However I wished, it would become worst day by day.

It has been a while now. Sometimes things aren't seem good, sometimes it's a blessing. It has been 2 weeks and I'm started to think what is the point to come back.

Somehow, when I looked at myself I was like, What? I just did that? In a way, things are not easy at the moment. Trying to help out, but things are rather complicated. Am I selfish?

Seeing myself on the road, it's like I'm getting worst and worst day by day. Can I even have a peace at heart for a while so that I don't think and worried too much?

God spoken through my friends tonight and it struck me. I don't know how I felt honestly, but I know if I don't change now and forever be this way no one would ever look on to you for help since I can't help myself now.

Anyway, it's something that I need to release telling it out. Still, a question pop out from a cell group member. What's you plan tomorrow? Next month? These are the things that I need to know. Otherwise, I'll be in a wrong direction.

Or should I wait for God's answer? Sigh...

Oh Lord, work into my life. I'm still clueless of the things I did and for the things I wanted to do.

T_T